Saddleback Lake Forest

Of all the questions I get all the time as a Couples Pastor it is always about what a healthy marriage looks like. Most people want a healthy marriage deep down. No one marries thinking that it would really help build their character to have a terrible marriage that challenges them on a daily basis. So what does a healthy marriage look like? What types of things should I have in place if I am going to be able to say my marriage is healthy?

Like anything else it is probably a good idea to go to the inventor of marriage to figure out what he intended for this thing in the first place. I know of no better description of a healthy marriage than what is described in Ephesians 5:21-33:

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In this passage Paul compares marriage to Christ’s relationship with the church. If Paul can make this comparison it would stand to reason that some of what makes health church in its relationship to Christ would also make a healthy marriage. If you look at most churches they focus on fulfilling the Great Commandment and Great Commission that Jesus gave us. From those two calls that Jesus gave every follower of his we have five areas of focus or purposes for our lives: Worship, Fellowship, Discipleship, Ministry, and Mission. 

Now it is obvious that these five things do not apply to marriage directly. But if we take these five things as we see them in this passage we have five components of a healthy marriage. Worship applied to a marriage becomes Honor, I honor my spouse as an act of worship to Christ. Fellowship applied to a marriage becomes Relational Intimacy. This includes all of the things we naturally think about when it comes to a healthy marriage like communication, handling conflict, romance, sex, etc. Discipleship applied to marriage becomes Spiritual Intimacy. This is the process of helping each other to grow spiritually and become spiritual partners together to become more like Christ. Ministry applied to marriage becomes Partnership which is learning how to take each person’s uniqueness and bring it together so that we are better together  and learn to help one another and help others together. Finally, Mission applied to a marriage becomes Message and for any follower of Christ it is important to understand that our marriages say something about the Gospel to the world around us. When people look at your marriage do they have hope and want to know more about your God? Or do they feel despair and figure when your God can fix your marriage then maybe they will be interested?

Now health in a marriage involves balancing these five concept in your relationship. So when you look at your marriage are these five things present in your marriage? Or are there areas that you are lacking? If they are present are they healthy? Or, do you need to do some more work on some areas? Our Married Life Pathway at Saddleback Church is designed to help give you the knowledge and tools to help you work these five things into your marriage.

Last night we had a great time at our Married Life Essentials event talking about the topic of honoring your spouse. One of the key things any marriage needs is an underlying sense of honor. Honor is the act of giving something high status and recognizing and admiring that thing or person. For most of us who have been married for a while it seems that we just assume our spouse should know we honor them and go about giving our honor to everyone else except our spouse. The lack of honor in a marriage is what can lead to extreme conflict and misunderstanding that can begin to break down the trust and connectedness in a couples life.

When conflict happens, the tendency of most couples is to win at all costs and we follow some predictable patterns of fighting that I have seen in couples time and time again. Guys tend to be competitive and if we can’t win an argument directly we will refuse to engage or even listen so our spouse ends up arguing with herself. The problem with this type of response is it attacks the very foundation of security that every woman needs. This lack of connection and openness leads many women to a place of contempt towards their husbands if this type of response continues over time. If every man realized how important it was to their wives to know that they could be trusted and that they care and create a safe environment for the relationship to grow in, he would never do things that intentionally rock that base. 

Women tend to use criticism in fights in an attempt to “fix” the situation and end up walking all over their husbands deep seated need for respect. With an attitude of “any response is a good response” they settle for bad reactions and attempts to control their husband. The problem with this response is it attacks her husbands need for respect, the very thing that causes a man to draw close to his wife. So in effect this response has the opposite effect that most women want and ends up pushing her husband away instead of providing the connection and engagement she wants. Over a period of time if this response continues the husband will usually withdraw from the relationship and look for other sources of respect by burying himself in work and other hobbies. If every woman realized how important it was to her husband to know that his wife is behind him and admires him, she would never use criticism to try to connect with her husband.

The way to move past this pattern of engagement is to drop the demand that life go your way and choose to surrender those demands for the sake of being one with your spouse. When a couple realizes that they are in a bad pattern or just settling instead of really experiencing the closeness they want in their relationship, they are better able to communicate love in the way their spouse hears it best. If more husbands would understand and build a sense of security in their relationship with their wives and if more wives understood and built up their husbands by being the biggest source of respect in their husbands world, very few marriages would end up in divorce. 

When was the last time you spent time alone with your spouse? Now I don’t mean time alone in the car running from one event to the other. Or, time vegging on the couch after a long day watching television together. I am talking about real time out together like you used to do when you were dating. Can you remember the last time you went on a real “date” together?

Every year I do a survey of couples in our church to get a feel for the issues people are struggling with. Year after year I have found that next to communication, time is one of the things couples in our church struggle with the most. Of course without time you really can’t communicate well so time could even be the contributing factor to miscommunication between many couples. So, in an effort to help you begin to build into your marriage and shape the direction of your relationship instead of just reacting to the many issues that get thrown at you, I want to recommend that every couple schedules some kind of a dating time together.

Now I know when I say that you immediately think you have no time. Besides, getting a sitter is expensive. And, where would I even find a sitter anyway? And, there really are no convenient times to go out at night with other obligations and kids activities, etc. How in the world can we ever make this work?

What I have found in my own marriage is the need to think outside the box when it comes to dating my spouse. We have three boys in elementary school so getting out at night is a challenge. So instead of having a traditional date at night, we date on my day off which happens to be Friday, and we date while the kids are in school. We usually drop off the kids at school, go to Starbucks for coffee and to “catch up” and usually have lunch instead of dinner together. This allows us to get the time we need alone and fits into a hectic schedule that three boys can bring. So being creative with when and how you date is vitally important. 

In the next article I will give some questions and things to talk about on a date, but in the meantime why don’t you share what you do for your own date night to help others who may be struggling with the time issue. What kinds of things do you do to carve out time together? List your ideas in the comments section below. 

Sit Down and Talk Together

Once you have both prepared yourselves by understanding your own views on money and what you think your spouses’ views are, set aside some time to talk about your finances together. Start with a word of prayer together to set the tone for your discussion. Invite the Lord into your conversation and pray for His wisdom on how you handle your finances. Then begin to talk about your finances together. As you discuss these things do the following:

1. This is not a business negotiation: Don’t treat your spouse as an opponent to out negotiate to get what you want. Instead, you need to see your spouse as a partner who has an equal share in what you do with your finances.

2. Come with what you will give up: Instead of defending your spending habits, each of you come with things you are willing to give or cut back for the sake of the budget. That will keep either of you from digging in and not compromising together.

3. Keep the good of the family in the long run ahead of what you might not get in the short run: This is about planning for your future together which means some sacrifice is inevitable. 

4. Remember to honor your spouse in the conversation: This discussion is about your future together. Don’t belittle or dishonor your spouse in the process of having this conversation. If at any time you find that you are getting mad at each other or going to name calling, quit and come back to it later. If you feel you can’t over come your impasse, ask for help from a mentor couple or someone at church. You never want money to become an issue that comes between you.

Talking about money can be difficult but it can also be one a bonding experience if you are willing to hang in there and see it as an opportunity to get on the same page and have the same goals together. There will always be times where you will not agree 100% but how you handle those times of disagreement could help you grow closer together.

When couples are asked to list the things that cause stress in their marriages, money always comes up in the top five. There is something about money that causes issues for people no matter what their marital status. Add another person who you share your earnings with and now you have a major source of discussion and debate. What is it about money in a marriage that causes so much stress? And, how do you begin to talk with your spouse about money in a way that both partners understand one another and can move forward together? 

Start with You

When it comes to talking about money, it is important to have a handle on your own triggers, goals, and ideas on how to manage it. Before you talk to your spouse about money ask yourself: How do I feel about budgeting our money? What things do I typically spend money on that I could eliminate if need be? What are my goals for our money? Are those goals realistic? Or, are those goals built around my own agenda for what I want?

Consider Your Spouse

Once you have had a chance to wrestle down your own thoughts and feelings about money, it is important to begin to think about your spouse and how he/she views money. Does your spouse share your views on money? In what ways would my money habits cause my spouse anxiety? How good of a job do you do of communicating about money to each other? Where would my spouse say I mishandle our money? The more you understand where your spouse is coming from the better your conversation about money will be. Like other areas of your marriage, understanding your spouses perspective will go a long way to avoiding blow ups and conflict when it comes to discussing money.

Contentment is that allusive thing that we all say we want in our lives but refuse to do what it takes to achieve it. This weekend we talked about contentment and the important role it plays in our lives. When it comes to our marriages, contentment is something we need to cultivate but to do that, we need to understand what contentment is. Contentment is being at peace in my circumstances because I trust God for much more in my life. For most of us we see contentment as settling. When it comes to marriage there are plenty of people settling today or trying to get what they want despite their circumstances. Too many focus on what they want from the other person and feel that they can never experience contentment until those wants are satisfied. So we grow discontented when things do not go according to our plan. We then blame our spouse for intentionally frustrating our plans for happiness and the downward spiral of arguments, accusations, and passive ways of relating to get at least a fraction of what we think we want gets set in motion and leads to more and more discontent.

The true path to contentment is not in getting what we want or reaching some mythical place in life where everything is going according to our plans so we can relax and experience contentment. Instead, true contentment in marriage comes when we make some key decisions as it relates to our marriages:

First, stop comparing or wondering what if...

The more we compare our spouse to others or wonder what life would be like if our spouse was different or we married someone else, the more discontent we will be. The comparing game is based on a false reality that is only in our imagination and exists to bring a sense of lack in your life. This is how advertisers work to get your hard earned dollars. They make you feel like you are not happy right now because you lack the product they are trying to sell. Don’t sell your marriage short. Focus on what is great about it and what you are thankful for and see what they does for your attitude.

Second, determine what you are chasing to find happiness and if it causes distance in your marriage stop pursing it...

Every married person I have met wants to be happy in their marriage and that happiness is not a bad thing. It is a healthy thing to want to have a happy marriage. The problem comes in when people choose to pursue perfection assuming that is what happiness is all about. The perfection they pursue is usually directed at their spouse which creates impossible standards for anyone to live up to. That standard of perfection is as unique as the person who sets the standard and can become a moving target depending on how that person feels. Perfection is not a reality in marriage. In fact perfection is a myth this side of heaven. Instead of pursing perfection or getting what you want out of your spouse, choose to pursue being the spouse God wants you to be.  What are you pursing in your marriage that is causing discontent? 

Finally, rely on the strength of Christ...

We usually try everything we can think of and save God as a last resort. So our whole lives end up being a big source of discontent because we are looking for life in all the wrong places. When Jesus said he came to give us life in all its fullness, he meant it. We just have to decide that his view of where true life is found is the best, even better than our view of how life should go. When we embrace that and trust him, knowing he is walking with us in the process, we begin to see our marriages in a different light. We realize that our marriages are not designed to make us happy but to make us holy, that there is no greater relationship to help us see our imperfections and character issues, that provides the support and stability necessary to help us to grow our character to be more and more Christlike than our marriages. When we grasp that, not only does contentment increase, but our love and appreciation for our spouse does as well. What is your view on marriage? What place does Christ play in it?

When it comes to marriage, most couples they believe they entered into a contract with their spouse when they got married. After all they had to go down to the courthouse and get a document that they had to sign along with a minister and two witnesses. Looks like a contract right? As a result of this contract view of marriage, many couples feel they have a right to evaluate how well their spouse is doing at keeping up his/her end of the contract. Just as a person would evaluate the work of a contractor that signed a contract for certain services, doesn’t it make sense that a spouse would have the right to evaluate the performance of the other?

The problem with a contract view of marriage is the focus on performance. Whenever performance comes into the picture in a relationship couples tend to put their focus into making sure they “get what they deserve” or have a “right” to certain things from their spouse. This leads to huge conflict because no one wants to be evaluated all the time and no one really praises anyone for doing what is expected on the contract. Think about it, if I treat my marriage the same way I treat a contract with a plumber the entire focus of our relationship is whether or not my spouse fulfilled the duties stated in the contract. I could be very cordial and even overly kind. But in the end if I feel the person did not do what I was “paying” him/her to do and I feel like the job was not done to my satisfaction, I will call “breach of contract” and look to get my money back. Can you see how that mentally can do damage to a marriage? If I am constantly evaluating my spouses performance instead of focusing on doing what I said I would do regardless of the other person, I am in effect treating my spouse like a plumber I hired for a job! 

Instead of allowing our marriages to be shaped by a contract mentality, we need to model our marriages after the covenant God made with us. If God had made a contract with Abraham and evaluated his performance as a condition of the contract, the bible would have ended in the middle of Genesis! Thankfully God made a covenant with Abraham that he would fulfill what He said he would do regardless. In the same way, in God’s eyes, each of us who are married, made a covenant with one another before God to love and cherish, etc. until death us do part. That means our focus needs to be on how we are doing not on how our spouse is doing. Evaluating our spouses performance is not the way to a lasting marriage. Instead we need to realize we are in a covenant with our spouse and seek to live with him/her the way God lives with us.

When was the last time you evaluated your own performance? Could you live up to the standards you require of your spouse? What “rights” and demands do you need to give up?

Marriage can be hard enough without the addition of kids. Take two people who are naturally selfish each with a crazy schedule. Add a schedule for each kid including school, homework, and other activities. Then add all of the issues that come from raising kids including discipline, chores, hygene, etc. and you have the makings of a time-starved marriage. Many couples handle the chaos by resolving themselves to the fact that they are just not going to have much of a married relationship, never mind dating and romance. They figure that once the kids are old enough to be on their own, they will somehow rekindle the romance and pick up where they left off before the kids came into the picture. The problem is, most couples who have this perspective, wake up one day and realize they don’t really know the person sleeping next to them. With no effort put into the relationship they are left with a partnership instead of a marriage. Not only does that type of marriage hurt the couple, it also models for their kids what marriage is all about for good or bad. So how does a couple keep the marriage going while dealing with changes that happen in a home with kids?

First, we need to make time together a priority. One of the biggest relational issues I have found in surveying couples at Saddleback Church is time. In fact time is usually second to communication which can’t happen if you don’t have time! Now your time together may be different than it used to be, but you need to make it a priority if you are to stay connected to one another. Not making time together a priority tells your kids that marriage is not really that important and there really is no work to it. So what do you do to make time for one another? Instead of dividing and conquering all the time, make it a point to ride together to pick up the kids or drop them off at the next event. During those events grab a cup of coffee or hang out together. Another opportunity is when the kids go to bed (make it early) or while the kids are in school. Find those moments where you can connect. There is wasted time you could definitely utilize!

Second, let your kids know that mommy and daddy need their time together. Your kids need to learn what a healthy marriage looks like and the only way they will learn is by observing how important that relationship is to you and how you model it for them. If you only exist together, your kids will learn that marriage is about sharing resources. If your only interaction is arguments or disagreements, they will learn that marriage is about winning. If they see no romance in your relationship or love for one another they may actually learn that marriage destroys relationships instead of being one of the most intimate of all relationships. You get the point. Model the marriage you would want your kids to have so they have a chance at having it. Otherwise, they won’t have the skills or the background to know how to have a healthy marriage.

Third, make marriage enrichment a priority. We have plenty of things at Saddleback you can plug into and there are more resources in the area of marriage than at any other time. If you don’t work on your relationship your relationship will not grow, in fact it will go backward. Plus modeling for your kids that you actually take the time to learn how to love one another better is a lesson that every parent would want for their kids.

Finally, make time to grow spiritually together. Those who are followers of Jesus Christ know that sharing together what you are learning through time in scripture and prayer is an important part of building a strong marriage. It doesn’t have to be difficult. It could involve talking about what each of you is learning in your bible study and prayer or reading a devotional together. Here again, is another opportunity to model for your kids what role faith plays in your marriage so they can “catch” the importance and see what it looks like.

Adding kids can feel like you are blowing up your marriage or at least putting it on hold for a while. But putting your relationship on hold does not help you to grow healthy kids. Instead it has the potential of growing kids who know nothing of what it takes to have a great marriage. You’ll also end up with a marriage that lacks intimacy and connection. So the big question is, what  are your kids learning about marriage through observing you?

Many couples go through a marriage ceremony but quickly forget the significance and the vows they made that day. Our vows were not a simple contract set up between husband and wife that says if you do this I will do this. This kind of view on our wedding vows leads to many couples calling “breach of contract” when one spouse doesn’t do what the other thought he or she should have. Rather, our vows are a covenant that we make before God to do what WE promised. Reminding ourselves of this is an important part of keeping our marriages on track. This is something we talk a lot about in our Married Life Essentials Event on Partnership.

Surfing the net, I came across an article in People Magazine about a tradition that Seal and Heidi Klum have put in place to remind one another of their wedding vows. Every year they have a vow renewal ceremony with their family and friends:

"It's so special to us, something we love and something our children have gotten accustomed to,"  Klum says. "It's like, 'Hey, Mom and Dad love each other and they get married every year!' " 

Added Seal: "Each year, Heidi and I get remarried. It's a great party, but for about an hour, we go off on our own down to a private beach. We sit there with the kids and read vows to each other as the sun sets. It's a very special moment to us." 

What a great way to recommit to one another and do so in front of the kids so they see what a good marriage is all about and what it takes to commit to one another. I don’t know anything else about their relationship or their lifestyle but in this area of their lives, they seem to have a great tradition. How about you? Have you ever considered renewing your vows to one another? Do you even remember you vows?