Jeff’s Story
My name is Jeff, and I’m a believer who struggles with anger and chemical addiction.
Adversities and struggles I went through as a child and young adult were significant enough to affect my entire life. However, I am here to tell you that our God is amazing and wonderful. I share my story as an example of God’s unconditional love shown through the powerful and merciful restoration of my life and relationships over the past five years through the teachings of life change at Celebrate Recovery.
I grew up in a home filled with violent child abuse. My father’s rage was often taken out on me. My understanding of my own identity became more confusing and troublesome throughout my teenage years. I was left to figure out my own techniques for dealing with my circumstances and the stress and anxiety that went along with them. Drinking became that technique.
I turned to alcohol as a teenager to try and numb my feelings of isolation and abandonment. When I turned 18, I moved out and it was a turning point in my life. I moved to California and a mentor introduced me to Lynne, who would later become my wife. However, the darkness and anger buried in my heart was causing inner turmoil that almost destroyed our marriage. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. I saw no remedy but to leave. After leaving my wife and two kids behind, my slow spiral downward into the abyss of utter selfishness began.
My drinking and sickened heart opened a Pandora’s Box of sin and dysfunction, which led to destructive behavior. This carried on for about 18 months, during which time my wife filed for divorce. I still loved her and my family deeply, yet I was still in denial of who I had become. Then I heard God’s voice.
Total surrender
Late one night, despondent and alone with only the clothes on my back, I had a dream. God’s message was simple, yet direct: “What are you doing here? You don’t belong here!” With a new resolve to heal our marriage and life together, I returned home.
It was rough. Lynne and I separated twice during my continued desperation and struggle with addiction that literally left me in the gutter outside of my workplace. My boss took a picture to prove it! I was still living in denial that I alone could control my anger and alcohol addiction. Most significant though, was my denial of how the hurts in my past had affected me and enabled my addictions.
Finally, one night as I lay wide-awake again in the middle of the night, I thought about the times Lynne had taken me to Saddleback Church and the sermons I had heard there. I remembered what Pastor Rick said about surrendering everything to God – that if we ever decided to sincerely give our will and life completely over to Jesus we would be changed forever. My spirit was broken and dying. Deep down I knew my only chance was with God.
As I lay there sleepless, sober, and feeling more alone and isolated than I had ever felt in my life, I began praying and crying. I gave up, surrendered all of it, all of me, all that I was and wasn’t and would never be. All of my problems, my pain, my garbage, my sins, my failings, my weaknesses, my heart and soul; I had nothing more to give except my love and devotion, and these too I gave. I waited for something earth shattering to happen. Instead God gave me peace and quiet sleep that had been so elusive.
A changed life
Within days I was in a detox center. Lynne, even though we were separated, gave her time to help and visit me. Our kids I had so neglected were right there by my side. When I got out, the only safe place I had, away from the ways of my now past, was at Lynne's house and she, in an amazing act of selflessness, opened her home to her estranged husband for the sake of keeping me safe. And then God had a divine appointment waiting for me at Celebrate Recovery.
When I arrived at Tent 3 inquiring about the men’s step study, a man lingering there said, “That’s where I’m going too. I was waiting for you.” That blew me away. It was my first meeting and I’ve been with Celebrate Recovery ever since. I have been blessed and privileged to lead three step studies over the past four years. On Wednesday, August 4, 2010, we celebrated my fifth year of sobriety and a changed life that God has used to help change many other lives in the process.
Celebrate Recovery is truly God’s plan of healing and freedom where we see miracles daily through the work of His Holy Spirit in the lives of our groups. Celebrate Recovery is much more than a program for addicts. It is a place that begins and ends with God, where you learn so many life changing truths. I hope that one day when I stand before the Lord someone will come up and say they were there because they knew me.
Celebrate Recovery takes place every Friday night on our Lake Forest campus. Click here to learn more or contact Tina at Tinad@saddleback.com.
Has your life been transformed by God through Celebrate Recovery or one of Saddleback’s other support groups? Share your story with us by contacting Jay at jayk@saddleback.com.